Journey

Let there be no mistake, when a woman makes efforts to intervene and fight her demon, whatever that demon may be, it is one of the most worthy battles known, both archetypally and in consensual reality. Even though she might hit ground-zero-minus-five bottom via famine, capture, injured instinct, destructive choices, and all the rest, remember, at bottom is where living roots of psyche are. It is there that a woman's wild underpinnings are. At bottom is the best soil to sow and grow something new again. In that sense, hitting bottom, while extremely painful, is also the sowing ground. - Dr. Clarrisa Pinkola Estes

This trip. This journey. This adventure.

Planned.

Needed.

Oh so timely.

Over 10 months ago, I hit my bottom.

The very depths of a bottom that I didn't know existed on this earth.

Alcohol, pain pills, and heavy anti-depressants pulled me into the throws of despair beyond words, recognition, and rational thoughts.

I wanted memories to be wiped away.

I wanted pain to go away.

Yet, the numbing mechanisms only exasperated the memories and the pain.

I am so grateful for those who not only noticed that I had reached my bottom, but who offered a hand, a sound voice, comfort, and provisions for a way through the memories and the pain.

I needed to find a way to stop drinking. Instead of going to a liquor store, I would stop at an ATM and pull the money out that I would have spent at the store. At the time, there was not a complete thought on this process, but true survival instincts. It was the only thing that I could do to keep myself from walking through the doors of a liquor store. I placed the money in a glass vase that I had positioned on my dresser beside my bed.

I needed a daily visual.

I needed a constant reminder.

I began to think through what I wanted to do with the money as the glass vase began to fill. Some of my greatest moments of joys are through travel. I knew that I wanted to save the funds for an adventure.

Each day I would stop at the ATM. Each night I would place the money in the vase. Each new day brought new perspectives. I didn't know where I would go or what the adventure would look like, so I began to ask people and research different areas.

I kept my eyes forward.

I kept my heart open.

I listened to my intuition.

It was not easy.

There were many, many days that I wanted to give up. There were many days that my body would tremble, my insides would ache, and my brain felt as if it would crack open.

One day at the end of a yoga session, my instructor announced that she was planning a retreat to Portugal.

Instantaneously my heart said, " yes, that's it."

I began to pay for the retreat with the money that was in the vase. Eventually, I paid for most of the trip with the money that I would have spent at the liquor store.

I am so grateful.

Beyond grateful.

Grateful for people, for surroundings, for my instincts, and for my journey.

This trip reminded me of my freedom, my intuition, my internal guidance, my spirit, my heart, and my soul.

Although over 10 months sober, there were nights at each resting point on my journey that I wanted to drink a glass of wine. Yet, in the mornings I would wake up with a clearer mind and unimpaired vision.

Each morning reminded me of my newfound freedom, my deep clarifying joy, and my steady beating core.

This expedition helped me capture internal power, salve deep wisdom throughout my veins, and incapsulate crimson nutrients for beautiful memories.

It is the kind of joy a woman feels when she has done something that she feels dogged about, that she feels intense about, something that took risk, something that made her stretch, best herself, and succeed - maybe gracefully, maybe not, but she did it, created the something, the someone, the art, the battle, the moment; her life. That is a woman's natural and instinctive state of being. Wild Woman emanates up through that kind of joy. That sort of situation summons her by name. - Dr. Clarrisa Pinkola Estes

I don't have everything figured out, nor will I ever have everything figured out. One thing that is true for me is that it's "one day at a time" and sometimes "one second at a time".

There are times that life is painful and moments that are heavy. There are painful memories that are stored and will be stored throughout the body. There are also times for brilliant discoveries, for magnificent external and internal views. There are beautiful memories that are stored and will create restoration throughout every branch of the body.